September 16, 2001

• I have noticed a rising tide of survivor guilt. I guess others are noticing it too. CNN.com - Experts: Trauma, fear natural reactions - September 14, 2001
  
  I guess it's part of what I've been feeling. It doesn't seem right to be writing about sea chanteys, or parodies, or sonnets, or even homelessness, or to finish my article on childhood bipolar disorder -- anything not related to September 11 seems trivial and irrelevant.
  
  Survivor guilt is common after tragedies. I wrote to someone else today: "You were not responsible for the attack or the loss of life, you couldn't have stopped it, and you aren't guilty for being alive when other people are dead, or having your loved ones when others have lost theirs. But it may take awhile before you convince your guts of that.
  
  "One way to handle it is to frame things differently: as a reminder of how precious life is, how important it is to cherish our loved ones while we have them, and to let them cherish us."
  
  Morgane posted a wonderful example of this.
  
  To repeat what I said there:
  
  "A Jewish Rabbi whose wisdom was collected in the Talmud said that if a man saves one life, it is as good a deed as if he saved the whole world. And if the life he saves is his own, it is as good a deed as if he saved the whole world.
  
  "When you live a joyful life, you increase the amount of joy in the world. And we all need that right now."
  
  Pardon me a moment while I speak to someone else. "Anitra, listen up to yourself!" "Yes, Anitra ma'am."
  
  Okay, I'm back.
  
  

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  I apologize for any harsh comments I've made on anybody's weblog lately. The last few days have been intense for all of us -- everyone I've read, anyway -- and we've reacted intensely.
  
  I vent at home or in other safe places so that I can work with people peacefully in public. I stomp around the apartment saying things like, "That idiot's family tree is so rotten that the branches would break under the weight of all the sheep on them if they weren't so interlaced and cross-bred!" When I'm angry at someone I'll beg my sweetie, "Can I blow him up, please?" and he'll explain why I can't blow the guy up, and then I'll ask, "Then can I shoot him?" and sweetie will explain that I can't shoot the guy either, and then I'll ask, "Can I strangle him then?" and on until I've worked that anger out. And then I'll go deal with that person I was so furious about like a calm, mature and understanding person. They never know how many times I stabbed their effigy with the kitchen knife so that I could calm down enough to start listening to them as an individual.
  
  But I've objected to other people venting their pain and anger on their own blogs. Your blog should be like your home. It should be a safe place to air your feelings and work out your thoughts for yourself.
  
  I am upset and ashamed about the violence being done to American Muslims and people of Arab descent, here in Seattle and elsewhere in America. I am trying to do whatever I can to stop it, and so are many other people. I know that the number of people in this country who are against such bigotry is far greater than the number of bigots, so we should be able to stop such evil, shouldn't we?
  
  But there is a difference between someone who writes in a fit of anguish, "I hate Arabs!" and someone who comes up to a mosque with a gun threatening to kill men, women and children because they are Muslims. For me to equate the two is as unjustified as someone else equating a criticism of American foreign policy with a justification for a terrorist attack on the United States.
  
  

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  There are two ways to play a "victim game." One is to say, "I am the victim of my circumstances. I have to be rescued and taken care of, because I can't do anything for myself. I didn't do anything to contribute to this problem and I can't do anything to solve it." The other is to say, "You are solely responsible for what happened to you and for getting yourself out of it. I did nothing to contribute to your problems and I have no responsibility to help solve them." In most circumstances, both those games are designed to absolve those who play them of legitimate responsibilities.
  
  There are three ways to play "the blame game." One is to say, "This is all your/his/her/their fault!" Another is to say, "This is all my fault!" and sit there in sackcloth and ashes doing nothing but beat your breast, which since it does nobody who got hurt any good and only gets you attention, is just self-indulgence.
  
  A third way to play is, whenever anybody points out something you did to contribute to a problem, or something you can do to improve your own circumstances, you yell, "You're trying to blame ME for what happened to me!"
  
  A very wise minister once told his New Age congregation, "If you go up to a man who has just had his left arm broken by a drunken driver hitting his car, and you tell him, 'You create your own reality,' he is going to use his right hand to break your jaw for you -- and you will have created your own reality!'"
  
  When someone is hurting and reeling from an assault it is not a very good time to go up to them and say, "You know, it was really stupid to flash a big wad of money in the bar, insult the biggest guy there, and then walk home down the darkest street available." And that is what some of us may have done when immediately on the heels of the assault on America we started posting, "The United States armed and trained bin Laden and the Taliban... for years we've been underfunding, shackling and ignoring our counter-terrorist intelligence forces and building up a military force to fight an outdated type of warfare... " and other criticisms.
  
  I do not believe that any of us who spoke such criticisms felt insensitive to the tragedy or meant to sound insensitive. For myself, I reached out to as many victims as I could, including people I know here in Seattle who lost people there. But, also for myself, I felt the clock start ticking immediately; I knew we were instantly in gear for retaliation, and I didn't feel there was any time to lose to speak out -- about not targeting the innocent, about being smart in our assault on the terrorists and for god sake don't go off like a bunch of Redcoats after the revolutionary militia, about making our leaders act responsible about their own part in the tragedy, so that we DON'T HAVE A REPEAT AND MORE OF OUR PEOPLE DEAD.
  
  I can't speak for anyone else, but those were my motivations. They still are.
  
  

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  One more bit of perspective. Did you see the interview with the terrorist in prison? He was able to smuggle TNT past Israeli checkpoints with serenity because he felt the presence of God with him. He didn't just believe, he didn't just claim faith, he didn't just have faith -- this man felt a Divine presence giving him strength. It is easy to say he was deluded, but maybe we should think that out. Maybe when we feel the presence of our God and are certain He is with us and inspiring us we should stop to test that inspiration. It is just as easy for a Christian or a mystic to rationalize hurting people for some ultimate good as it is for an Islamic fundamentalist.
  
  

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  I am also immensely proud of my fellow Americans pouring out their hearts in helpling each other: risking their lives to search the rubble, giving blood, donating and gathering food, giving their skills and time freely as doctors or counselors, and all the other ways we are pulling together. In times of emergency we act so much nobler, more courageous, more caring, more aware -- can we stay awake this time? Can we continue like this, and not go back to sleep again?
  
  And I am immensely moved by the intense outpouring of emotion all over America, all over the world, on Friday.
  
  

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  In times of stress we need to take extra care of ourselves. Take your vitamins, harvest your garden, have a long hot soak in a bath with bath oil, eat some comfort food, curl up in bed with your snuggle-bunny... or whatever your favorite treats are. It's allowed!
  
  Living well is the best revenge.
  
  

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  • 4:58 am
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