September 6, 2001

• American Literature Abuse Society (ALAS)
  
  

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  Self-Test for Literature Abuse: How many of these apply to you?

  1. I have read fiction when I was depressed or to cheer myself up.
  2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
  3. I read rapidly, often "gulping" chapters.
  4. I sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
  5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
  6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
  7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
  8. I often read alone.
  9. I have pretended to watch television while secretly reading.
  10. I keep books or magazines in the bathroom for a "quick nip."
  11. I have denied or "laughed off" criticism of my reading habit.
  12. Heavy reading has caused conflicts with my family or spouse.
  13. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
  14. I seldom leave my house without a book or magazine.
  15. When travelling, I pack a large bag full of books.
  16. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
  17. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
  18. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I finished a novel.
  19. I become nervous, disoriented, or fearful when I must spend more than 15 minutes without reading matter.
  20. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
  21. I have sold books to support my reading "habit."
  22. I have daydreamed about becoming a rich & famous writer, or "word-pusher."
  23. I have attempted to check out more library books than is permitted.
  24. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
  25. I have sometimes passed out or woken groggy or "hung-over" after a night of heavy reading.
  26. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
  27. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
  28. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
  29. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.
  30. When I shop for furniture, I always look at bookshelves.
  31. I try to convince yourself that I don't really need other furniture, so that I can justify getting rid of it, so that I can buy more bookshelves.
  32. Some of my bookshelves have books at least two rows deep.
  33. I bring a large cardboard box with me to library book sales.
  34. When I last moved (i.e., changed place of residence), I had more than ten boxes of books, and I never considered getting rid of any books to reduce the weight and cost of my move.
  35. I don't buy a handbag unless I am sure that a book will fit in it.
  36. I refuse to buy jackets or coats unless they have at least one pocket big enough to hold a book.
  37. I don't go ANYWHERE without a book.
  38. I take a book to choir practice just to sneak a look at it when the choir director is giving directions to the other voices.
  39. I hide my current reading inside a hymnbook, in order to continue reading during the church service.
  40. During the sermon, I am reading ahead in the Bible.
  41. I am able to read and walk at the same time.
  42. I go psychotic when anybody badmouths my favourite authors.
  43. When given a bookstore gift certificate, my first thought is - "That's nowhere near enough!!"
  44. Even though on crutches, recovering from surgery, I am unable to resist an invitation to visit a bookstore.
  45. I go to the toilet for the express purpose of a few minutes of quiet reading time.
  46. I catch a bus to work rather than drive because it gives me all that waiting and sitting time to read.
  47. I read in the bathtub or jacuzzi (or shower) till the pages are soggy.
  48. I am unable to dine without a book propped up in front of your plate.
  49. While reading this I have a book open on my desk so I can read it while waiting for the computer.
  50. I have more books loaned to friends and family than my friends and family OWN.
  51. I read the book BEFORE the movie comes out.
  52. I beg my child to let me read aloud the next chapter of "Harry Potter" at his bedtime.

  
  If you answered 'yes' to five or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to ten or more indicates a serious reading problem --seek help now! Fifteen or more "yes" responses indicates a severe or chronic "readaholic" personality. Intervention is seldom effective at this stage.
  
  

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  A friend gave me a print-out of this after Bumbershoot.
  
  She also confessed that she scored at least a 38 herself.
  
  Be sure to read the site more warning signs, and for for essential advice, like "What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major"
  

  "Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path - don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late."
  

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